Day Six: Osaka

So I finally figured out where they're hiding all the fat people in Japan...

"That unmistakeable Osaka skyline..."

So for breakfast this morning, me and dad decided to break out of our rut. We went up to the buffet line on the 30th floor instead. Supposedly, the food was "better", and you had a view. Dad just wanted the view, I was kind of over the whole breakfast thing by this point.

But then I saw "Natto" on the Japanese side of the buffet. Now, I LOOOOOVE the old school Japanese "Iron Chef" episodes, and more than one episode has been dedicated to making top end chefs from all over Japan try to make this traditional, salt of the earth breakfast foods tastier.

I tried some, and let me tell you... it wasn't terrible. It pretty much tasted like cold baked beans with a little sour stuff mixed in (like a red wine vinegar). But what made this food go from a "Not bad. I'd eat it in a pinch" to "Ewwww..." was the texture. The bean starch was cooked out of fermented soy beans and what was left looked like snot. Depsite the fact it wasn't half bad.

Our view.

Anyway, I decided to put yesterday's debacle behind me, and instead get a move on early today to what promises to be my favorite city so far, Osaka.

But first we had to navigate through this herd of 500 Korean and Chinese women in town for a cosmetics convention. And they swarmed like locusts on all the flimsy, overpriced crap in the gift shop in the lobby. "California Prune" place mats were a hot item... for some reason.

I learned a hard lesson yesterday... not many people can keep up with my insane walking pace, so unburdened with leading a group of ladies around (and to be fair, they felt bad they were holding me back... or so Dad says) I set out to squeeze the Osaka fruit as hard as I can.

"BEHIND! Someone will have to ritually disembowel themselves over this."

"Very well, I suppose I'll just grope myself then."

"STAY WITH YOUR BUDDY!"

So far in the trip, any train we could needed was available by just walking up to the attendant, showing them our 7 day JRail pass, and then moving along. It cost like $300 some bucks, but when you see what a Shinkosen ticket between Tokyo to Hiroshima costs, it pays for itself in days if you plan on running all over Japan.

But when I pull up to the Osaka Subway entrance, an incredibly nice rail worker (who also happened to love baseball... we had a five minute conversation about who will win the World Series this year. He noticed I was wearing a Hanshin Tiger hat) explained that Kinetstu, not JRail, owned the trains I wanted to take, and if I wanted a full day pass, it would be about $20!

Well, I didn't want to sweat getting around, asking for help constantly, so I went with it. It didn't really pay for itself but it did save me a ton of hassle everywhere I went.

But Osaka... Osaka is Japan's "Second City". The people are notoriously gregarious, the food is famous all over Asia, and its the cradle of Japan's comedy scene. Any of this sound familiar? Basically, Osaka is Asia's Chicago.

Witness this guy:

Osakans were far and away the biggest on average I've seen. With the train about to leave, Japanese Brian Urlacher BARRELED through the doors, rattling them as they closed. Dude was huge. For a Japanese guy, at least.

"Dammit, I'm going to miss the start of Japanese rugby season. Osaka won the title last year."

Other things in common with Chicago: They're actually sister cities, they're so big because they were the rail hub of the middle of the country, AND I heard two college students discussing the front page news: Some government administrator got pinched for accepting a bribe from a Chinese company.

In other words, "I'm Home!"

Another thing I noticed is, this is the "dirtiest" city I've seen yet. It's got a little bit of grit and grime around the edges. The buildings are stained grey from the air pollution that used to permeate everything before Japan got serious about reducing carbon emissions.

But this is good. Buildings were beige and tan. Everything was simpler, more laid back. It looked a little more utilitarian and practical compared with Tokyo's insanely lit "Bladerunner" milieu, Hiroshima's "Please don't bomb us again!"-ness, and Kobe's future forward design.

Also, the signature greeting in Osaka is "You made any money today?" This question is considered crass in other parts of the country.

In case you haven't noticed, I like crass. And I really like Osaka.

So to start off, I thought I'd check out the second largest aquarium on earth. I like aquariums.

"I'm gonna steal so many kid's lunches today!"

"Awwww... maybe not."

The sink technology is way ahead too. This one had a soap, faucet, AND hand drier all built in and using motion detectors rather than faucets. I feel like a caveman in this society.

"SHE'S A WITCH! BURN HER AT THE STAKE!"

Hey, know who are adorable, but are impossible to photograph in low light, and through inches of glass?

Sea Otters:

But sea lions, apparently.
Here we go dad... let's kidnap it and let it loose in the container art exhibit!

Sure, penguins SEEM cute. Untill you smell their cage and realize that white underneath them, is actally poop.

"Hell yes, I want a dolphin steed!"

"Well, cross 'See world's largest fish' off the bucket list.

"No sushi jokes, please. We're heard them ALL, I assure you."

This is like me, surrounded by Japanese school children.

See?

MORE kids? I heard the birthrate was in decline around Japan.

The Navy Pier of Osaka? Eww..."

So this girl had a skateboard/roller skate thing that was split in two halves and she sort of "sidewinder'd" her way around a fountain. Once this comes to America, expect Orthopedic surgeons to buy a second home.

I headed out from the boonies and made my way across town to the Osaka-Jo Park, which every guide book told me was a must see. I've seen castles...

"Did I tell you what a hump it would be? "

"That's it? Kind of unimpressive..."

"Meh."

"Let's walk a little ways around this moat, take a few pictures and jet for Den Den Town... This is mildly disappointing."

"Whoa! What the hell is that through the trees?!?"

"The Plum Garden".

I should point out, there were a number of businessmen with their jackets off, ties relaxed, eating their lunch while grumbling. I could almost imagine it was about "My damn wife is making me get more exercise on my lunch break..."

And it was also around here that a tiny old women waved me over. I got real panicked because I thought she was in trouble and I speak like ten words of Japanese. But she just said, "American?" to which I nodded "Hi", again, worried about an incoming spit. She just said "Oh... Dekai, dekai" and motioned that I was "Big". I didn't know how to take that.

"The Paradise Bridge"

"Meet my new cell phone wallpaper for a while..."

So the Osaka-jo (I've figured out "jo" means castle, "ji" means temple) was built in 1583 as an "impregnable" castle. Too bad it's been invaded like 4 or 5 times and tore down. And they didn't get this one completed till 1997.

And let me tell you, there are all sorts of tricky corners, steps, tight spots on the way up this thing. General Patton may have said "Armed Fortifications are a monument to the stupidity of man", but I sure as hell wouldn't want to be on "offense" against this thing. "Oh you want me to pull a siege weapon up this incline while being shot at with flaming arrows? Yeah, I'll get right on that..."

(Pant, Pant) "Just... let me... catch my breath..." (Pant, Pant)

(Goes to Google to find out how much a full set of lacquer and reinforced leather samurai armor weighed) "75 pounds? Screw THAT..."

(Those skinny windows? Arrow ports. Have fun with that kids.)

One summer in junior high, my parents dragged us to Gettysburg and Washington DC. What most kids would think is boring, I thought was best summer vacation I ever had. Looking down on Little Round Top and the Peach Orchard where the Union held their ground, I thought to myself "Stupid South... how could anyone charge on this position?" This was a very similar experience.

This well is 90 feet deep. They tried to make sure no one could poison it.

Man, I don't don't see how ANYONE could have charged up here and taken this place.

"UNLESS they used the designated handicap entrance!"

Well, at this point of the tour, I had to put my camera away. I learned that by following an Isreali tour group who all started taking pictures of the stuff inside, only to be screamed at by this little schoolgirl who pointed at a sign in Japanese that asked for "No Photos". Thank god that wasn't me.

But inside was AWESOME! A detailed description of all the battles that were fought here. Holographic retellings of the lives of the shoguns. Samurai battle flags and guides on how to understand who is who in a battle. Maps. Models. Samurai armor. Palace intrigue. Concubines. Ninjas. This place rocked balls.

Oh, and we could take pictures from the top...

"When I am shogun, this will be where I line up my many concubines up and have them fight for my amusement."

There were zillions of school kids on a field trip, just like the aquarium, and they kept starring at me. Partially because even though there were about two dozen Israeli tourists, at 5'10" I was still the largest person in the building. And mentally, that made me shogun for the brief time I was here.

Oh, and I've heard of ugly Americans, but the Israelis were just as bad. They would STAND right in front of an awesome display of swords, arguing about some bullshit in Hebrew. (I made out the word "American" and "Hamas" more than once) I would rudely elbow them out of the way, thinking "You're pretty much our 51st state anyway, might as well act like an American..."

And school kids love seeing caucasians because they ALL stop and say "Hello" to you and practice their English. One Isreali corrected with a kid with "Shalom... Shaaaalom". Then the kid looked at me and I held out my fist and said "Punch it in bro-ham." He did it and I made it explode. They all giggled.

Also, I was wearing a Hanshin Tigers hat. This became interesting because apparently Japanese don't think Americans give a rats ass about the Japanese Leagues. But the Tigers are HUGE in this town. They're a little bit like the Red Sox or the Cubs in that they're always losing, but have freakishly passionate followings. To the point of suicides during the 80's.

Most teams borrow their names, colors, and uniforms from different major league teams (Giants, Braves, Carp/Reds, Dragons/Dodgers...) but the Tigers were different. One of the ruling shoguns here used tiger as his personal mascot, and thus black and yellow tigers have always been associated with Osaka, long before "basboru" ever came here. And teams are named for the companies that own them, not the cities. Hanshin is a train line and real estate corporation. Kinetsu, who own the Osaka subway, sponsor the Buffaloes across town. Under these rules, it would be the Ameritrade Cubs and the EDGE LLC White Sox. It's kind of like Bourbonnais Little League teams that way.

"No... YOU storm the castle! I'm outta here!"

"I like these roadblocks on the walking path... but how can we make them *cuter*?"

So, exhausted from hiking and climbing, I made it to Den Den Town on the south side. Den Den Town is Osaka's answer to Tokyo's famous Akihabara. Only without all the glitz, neon stuff. If Tokyo's "Electric Town" serves the snobby "early adopter" gadget geek, Den Den Town is for the nerd in sweatpants jury rigging a homemade lady android in his basement.

"In Japan, Santa lives on the moon!"

"Hey, you dumb bitch, I found your Diet Pepsi for you. Happy now?!?!"

"NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!"

"Uh-oh... battery low on the camera"

"Oh yeah, Pentium Dual Core i7 with 10gb RAM, on board 5.1 sound, and a video card with 2GB on it. What were you saying about a 'language barrier'?"

"Seven story arcade? Yes, that's a seven story arcade. The retro cabinets are on the fifth floor...."

So, my cash (2000 for an all day pass, 2000 for aquarium, 600 for Osaka-jo, 200 for vending machine ramen, 600 for stuff for back home) and my camera battery dwindling, I went off in search of some way to charge the battery on the cheap. I went to a couple of stores, and using my iPod translator thingy, a clerk alt+tabbed to a Japanese to English google website. We proceeded to have a very stunted, but working conversation about how no one sells charged batteries on this block and how I would need to buy a charger and go to a internet cafe to wait for it to charge. Also, "Go Tigers". It was a real cool moment when I began to "get" this place a little better, through machines.

So I headed home, my feet and back wrecked. Me and Dad went out on the town, found a place with a menu that looked good, and just pointed at a bunch of stuff, all of which turned out to be awesome. (And a chicken skewer apparently marinated and grilled in this weird maple syrup/soy sauce. MUST FIND RECIPE!)

Also, Dad has the chopsticks thing down pat.

Tomorrow is another travel day. Dad has a conference till 4-5 so I'm going to Osaka armed with another camera battery for a brief jaunt. Also to find these guys...

Then we're off to Kyoto for a suprise, then Tokyo late... If I don't write, it's because I'll have passed out from all the go-go-go...